Episode #56: Not Exactly My Proudest Moment
October 7, 2009I screwed up last night. Big time. And I am still paying for it today. Last night, my company had a few executives over from Germany. I had met them during the day and we got along great. They invited me to join them for drinks, which I did. And that’s where it all started. See, one of the Germans hit on me. And, for a brief moment, I thought about it.
Nothing happened. In fact, I drank too much and had to called Texter to come get me. And that’s when the self-loathing started. I am not proud of what I had done and not happy with the choices I had made. I embarrassed myself in front of colleagues/co-workers, and yes, in the end, I actually thought about following through with one of them.
I spent the next hour or so crying on my floor. Apparently, in my inebriated state, I told Texter about said come on and said thought. And the worst part about all of this is that he is disappointed in me. Although, I’m pretty sure I’m more disappointed in myself. (Hence, the self-loathing.)
I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to do that again. Texter is the most amazing man I’ve ever had the chance to be involved with. Why on earth would I want to risk losing him?
I really don’t. Perhaps last night’s thought was a moment of weakness. Or, perhaps it’s just an old habit kicking in. The question posed to me a few days ago was if I was afraid of commitment. I do think, perhaps, that is definitely part of it. The other problem is that I’m not entirely sure I know how to be in a monogamous relationship. Thinking back on the last 10 years, I’m not sure I’ve ever had one.
So, as I pour myself back into bed this afternoon, I will still be pondering the thought of how to move forward. But, I know this much: I love Texter. I do not want to lose him. He is good for me and I think I am good for him. I have found myself opening up for him in ways I didn’t think I could. We are a good team. And I need to change any and all behavior to not risk losing him.
